Autistic children come in every make and model. Mine is highly intelligent, OCD two-wheel drive (he used to be OCD four-wheel drive), PDD, ASD, blah, blah, blah . . . so many damn labels.
Here’s the thing with all of those labels and simply knowing my child: they don’t help me manage the future.
Two years ago I wondered if Michael would drive. I’d ask people who knew him, “Do you think Michael will be able to drive?”
Some would say an emphatic “Yes! Are you crazy to think that he won’t drive? What is your problem?” These were the peppy hopefuls I’d come to love and adore but not trust with questions like this. So I’d smile on the outside, roll my eyes on the inside, and move on.
Others were more cautious (like me) and might say, “I think so, but I’m not a hundred percent sure.” That’s where I stayed for most of the years leading up to him actually being able to drive.
Going back and forth trying to figure out if he would drive was helpful in some ways, but definitely not at all helpful in others.
My mental health was truly suffering!
It’s like that old adage about “borrowing trouble.” I didn’t want to borrow trouble, but I would go into long panics about whether or not he would drive. If he didn’t drive, what would happen?!?!? And if he did drive and forgot his meds, would his OCD prevent him from going through a green light and get him killed? Or would he get into an accident because he got distracted by some unimportant shiny? OMG—went into mental wormhole swan dives more often that I’d like to admit.
So . . . I want to share what works for me most of the time. I repeat: MOST OF THE TIME! I’m a work in progress just like you, our children, our family members, and our world.
How to Manage the Future (Mostly)
The truth is that you can’t actually “manage the future.”
That’s not a thing.
You can plan for the future and you can do all of the actions it will take to get you where you might want to go, but there is no actual “controlling” the future.
There are lots of things you can do to help your future though. Here’s a great TedxTalk, given by Gen Kelsang Nyema. One of the questions she asks in the presentation is: “What kind of day do you want to have tomorrow? Do you want to have a good day? Or a bad day?”
I was a little blown away by this very easy exercise. I did, in fact, ask myself these questions before bed the next few nights. And I started having better days because that’s what I planned for! I LOVE that!
What we can intentionally do is manage our thoughts about the future.
So then . . . what can we do to stop our brains from heading down the wrong track for too long? What do we do when we freak out about possibly having to take our child out of yet another school? Or what about how violent our children are?
How are we going to manage this when they’re too big to stop? Will we even survive these current episodes?
Will she grow out of it? Will he be able to live on his own?
How will I afford her meds next month because my child has to have them?
You will not know if your child can go to college if they’re only eight. You can’t know if they’ll be capable of driving if they’re only ten. Our children change and grow and become more capable, and sometimes they become less capable. That’s the beauty of life; every moment can be different. I believe that taking action to be present is the key to accepting each day.
Take Action to Be Present
That’s what we can do. We can take action right now to be present in this exact moment.
Our brains are set up to go down wrong tracks, but just like we exercise our bodies, we can train our brains to focus on the present more often. It will always be a challenge, to be clear, but your thoughts can become part of your focused practice.
This is definitely not the cure-all solution, but it absolutely helps when your brain train is headed down a runaway track.
Right now, the #1 tool I recommend is Sam Harris’s Waking Up Course (not an affiliate link). I love this app so much. You’ll find daily sound bites and other lessons you can learn from immediately. I’m on Day 38 and am already looking forward to starting the course again from Day 1. It’s worth a try. I hope you love it!
Is Michael Able to Drive?
Yes!
He’s been driving with a learner’s permit for almost four months now and he’s just fine.
Know this, though: this part of parenting is the scariest part I’ve EVER experienced. I might even rank it as scarier than our two suicide episodes, though I’m not sure I’m allowed to compare those two things. I’ll tell you what—giving your child keys to your CAR, and then sitting in the passenger seat and not having a brake pedal . . . Hoo-boy!
Labels
Autistic children come in every make and model. Mine is highly intelligent, OCD two-wheel drive (he used to be OCD four-wheel drive), PDD, ASD, blah, blah, blah . . . so many damn labels.
Here’s the thing with all of those labels and simply knowing my child: they don’t help me manage the future.
Two years ago I wondered if Michael would drive. I’d ask people who knew him, “Do you think Michael will be able to drive?”
Some would say an emphatic “Yes! Are you crazy to think that he won’t drive? What is your problem?” These were the peppy hopefuls I’d come to love and adore but not trust with questions like this. So I’d smile on the outside, roll my eyes on the inside, and move on.
Others were more cautious (like me) and might say, “I think so, but I’m not a hundred percent sure.” That’s where I stayed for most of the years leading up to him actually being able to drive.
Going back and forth trying to figure out if he would drive was helpful in some ways, but definitely not at all helpful in others.
My mental health was truly suffering!
It’s like that old adage about “borrowing trouble.” I didn’t want to borrow trouble, but I would go into long panics about whether or not he would drive. If he didn’t drive, what would happen?!?!? And if he did drive and forgot his meds, would his OCD prevent him from going through a green light and get him killed? Or would he get into an accident because he got distracted by some unimportant shiny? OMG—went into mental wormhole swan dives more often that I’d like to admit.
So . . . I want to share what works for me most of the time. I repeat: MOST OF THE TIME! I’m a work in progress just like you, our children, our family members, and our world.
How to Manage the Future (Mostly)
The truth is that you can’t actually “manage the future.”
That’s not a thing.
You can plan for the future and you can do all of the actions it will take to get you where you might want to go, but there is no actual “controlling” the future.
There are lots of things you can do to help your future though. Here’s a great TedxTalk, given by Gen Kelsang Nyema. One of the questions she asks in the presentation is: “What kind of day do you want to have tomorrow? Do you want to have a good day? Or a bad day?”
I was a little blown away by this very easy exercise. I did, in fact, ask myself these questions before bed the next few nights. And I started having better days because that’s what I planned for! I LOVE that!
What we can intentionally do is manage our thoughts about the future.
So then . . . what can we do to stop our brains from heading down the wrong track for too long? What do we do when we freak out about possibly having to take our child out of yet another school? Or what about how violent our children are?
How are we going to manage this when they’re too big to stop? Will we even survive these current episodes?
Will she grow out of it? Will he be able to live on his own?
How will I afford her meds next month because my child has to have them?
You will not know if your child can go to college if they’re only eight. You can’t know if they’ll be capable of driving if they’re only ten. Our children change and grow and become more capable, and sometimes they become less capable. That’s the beauty of life; every moment can be different. I believe that taking action to be present is the key to accepting each day.
Take Action to Be Present
That’s what we can do. We can take action right now to be present in this exact moment.
Our brains are set up to go down wrong tracks, but just like we exercise our bodies, we can train our brains to focus on the present more often. It will always be a challenge, to be clear, but your thoughts can become part of your focused practice.
This is definitely not the cure-all solution, but it absolutely helps when your brain train is headed down a runaway track.
Right now, the #1 tool I recommend is Sam Harris’s Waking Up Course (not an affiliate link). I love this app so much. You’ll find daily sound bites and other lessons you can learn from immediately. I’m on Day 38 and am already looking forward to starting the course again from Day 1. It’s worth a try. I hope you love it!
Is Michael Able to Drive?
Yes!
He’s been driving with a learner’s permit for almost four months now and he’s just fine.
Know this, though: this part of parenting is the scariest part I’ve EVER experienced. I might even rank it as scarier than our two suicide episodes, though I’m not sure I’m allowed to compare those two things. I’ll tell you what—giving your child keys to your CAR, and then sitting in the passenger seat and not having a brake pedal . . . Hoo-boy!